When I was born, my father immediately rejected me as his son. He was not ready to raise a child, so he ran away and stayed away. My mother was young and still trying to establish herself as an adult, so she decided it would be best to ask her parents to raise me until she got things figured out. My grandparents happily accepted and took me in.  

In my younger years, I had no idea that anything was wrong or different. I even called my grandfather “dad.” I still remember when I was age six or seven when my grandmother corrected me to help me understand that he was in fact my grandpa, not my dad. This was the first time I had a moment of, “Hmmm, that’s weird.”   

The next memory of this I have is when my school teacher told the class that both mom and dad must sign a particular form. This was the first time I felt shame for not knowing my father. 

Through God’s kindness, my grandparents loved the Lord, and they taught us about Jesus at an early age. We were plugged in at our church and attended faithfully. My grandfather was a deacon, and he took his role seriously. Seeing his faithfulness to the Lord and feeling his love for me helped cover up for the hurt I felt from my father’s rejection of me.  

However, I still had scars from my father’s rejection and my mother not being fully present. I began to seek approval from others, and I began to find comfort in controlling anything I could. At that time, I used the word “self-disciplined” as a facade to hide the control that I desired. I tried to make myself feel better by believing I was being “self-disciplined,” instead of looking deeper to see that it was just a desire for control.  

As I sought approval from others, I fell into sexual sin, lust, and pornography. I was still attending church on the weekends, but I never brought up the sin I was in.  

I needed a Savior. 

My senior year of high school, God used my band director to pull me aside and call me out in my sin. He lovingly, but directly, said, “I’ve heard you profess to be a Christian and love the Lord, but I don’t see any fruit of the Spirit through your actions when you’re here at school.” Those words hit me hard. It was the first time I’d been called out in sin. It was the first time I felt the weight of Romans 6:23: “For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life.” It was just the wake-up call I needed.  

My band director didn’t leave me there to wrestle with that alone. We began to open the Bible together and bring to life the same Scripture I grew up reading before. The Holy Spirit was using God’s Word to speak to me in a way that felt new. I was gently reminded that Romans 3:23 says, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” 

I left for college, and I got plugged in with a group of other young men that wanted to hold each other accountable and navigate college without giving in to worldly pleasures. This was perfect for me because I was able to dive deeper in my faith. It allowed me to experience guys being vulnerable and confessing sins, which gave me the courage to also confess sin for the first time.  

Voluntarily bringing my sin to light was not comfortable in the beginning. It felt better to just keep certain things hidden. James 5:16 says, “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” I can truly say I found healing when I began to bring things into the light. 

This Christmas season, I am grateful that a Savior was born! I don’t have to seek his approval. I don’t have to feel the shame of being rejected by my father at birth. Glory to God that I have a Heavenly Father Who loves me and wants to be with me – so much so that He sent His only Son to earth to live a perfect life, die on a cross, and rise to life again so that I could be with Him eternally. 

REFLECTION QUESTIONS

1. What type of fruit are you bearing? 

2. How has your view of your earthly father impacted your view of your Heavenly Father? 

3. What do you need to confess today?