I became a Christian at an early age but did not have a relationship with Christ until much later in life. I really struggled with anxiety growing up, which was the start of some really unhealthy codependent behaviors. I was dependent on my mom to comfort me and had a hard time being away from home. 

My struggle with anxiety and panic attacks followed me into high school where I discovered new ways of coping. I was miserably shy so I started drinking with my friends and was soon applauded for being the “life of the party” when I was drunk. As my anxiety grew, I looked for other ways to numb the pain. I was desperate for love and affection. 

I became close with a girl in my friend group who did not know Jesus and was living for the world. She cared for me and really took an interest in my life. In hindsight, I can see now that my codependency transferred to this friend. I needed her approval and wanted her constant attention. I noticed a difference between her friendship and other friendships. This emotional dependence and connection led to a physical relationship for three years. 

These were the darkest years of my life. I knew it was wrong and desperately wanted out but was enslaved to my sin. I was depressed, anxious, and suicidal. Although I had accepted Christ at a young age, I didn’t know that meant I needed to daily surrender all my sinful desires, my anxious thoughts, and my longing to be loved and accepted by others. I was miserable and started to question everything, even my identity. How could a loving God create in me a desire I wasn’t allowed to walk in? I was lost and confused and all alone. 

This secret was weighing on me emotionally and physically, and I began to cry out to God for rescue. Because of God’s grace, the relationship ended but I still carried around the weight of unconfessed sin. 

I thought college would be a fresh start, but I never dealt with my anxiety and desperate desire to be loved, so that followed me. I continued partying and having inappropriate relationships with guys. It all left me empty and unfulfilled. I looked for security, comfort, and approval from people, completely unaware that Jesus is the only One Who can satisfy all of my desires. After an arrest for public intoxication, a season of waking up guilt-ridden for my actions from the night before, and searching for my identity in relationships, I finally hit rock bottom. 

A friend noticed I was not okay and she invited me to a student ministry. That simple invitation was the beginning of a life transformed by Christ. The first time I went to the ministry, I heard a girl sharing her story, and she talked about Ephesians 2:4-5 which says, “But because of His great love for us, God, Who is rich in mercy, made us alive together with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions – it is by grace you have been saved.” It was then that I understood the meaning of grace and believed that it was extended to me also. 

From there I went to a summer discipleship program with that ministry, and I decided to recommit my life to Christ. I chose to give up the partying, sexual immorality, lying, and living a double life and chose to surrender everything to Christ. I had never felt more free. Jesus saved me, and my whole life changed. I began reading my Bible daily and came across 1 Corinthians 6:9-11 which gives a list of people who will not inherit the kingdom of God, including the drunkards and those who practice homosexuality which really caught my attention. Verse 11 changed my life. It says, “And such were some of you, but you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ.” 

For the first time I realized that even I, the girl who was enslaved to drunkenness and codependency that led to homosexuality, am washed, sanctified, and justified by the Lord. I was fully forgiven and fully loved. This truth gave me the courage to start sharing my story.

 Since then, I have witnessed God using what the enemy intended for evil for good, to bring about the saving of many lives (Genesis 50:20). I have seen Him use my story to encourage others. I have been set free from my need for approval and attention from others and instead look to Jesus to satisfy all of my desires. He is better.

REFLECTION QUESTIONS

1. Can you think of someone special in your life who has loved you enough to notice your suffering? What did he or she do to bring you to Jesus? Who can you do that for?

2. God is rich in mercy. Is there something in your life right now that you need to confess to Him? Confession brings freedom!

3. Someone out there needs to hear your story of grace. Who can you share it with today?